Month: January 2013

Lance him

In 2004 I spent seven hours of my life sitting on a pavement in Paris waiting to see some men doing cycling. Waiting, in particular, to see the then amazing Mr Lance Armstrong do some cycling and be given a special jumper. As we all now know, he was diddling around on his bicycle being a big cheaty cheater and so the cycling people took their special jumpers back. Mr Lance Armstrong stole those seven hours from me, and I am not the only victim of his fraud.

There is a queue of lawsuits forming longer than a Tour de France stage. He owes prize money, sponsorship, win bonuses, he owes every tax paying American citizen and anyone else who fancies jumping on this big bandwagon of litigation. When you include the potential perjury charges for lying under oath, he may have to spend more time in trials than he has in time trials.

And it’s not just dollars he owes, he obviously obtained Sheryl Crow by deception. And what about all the yellow. That’s right Mr Lance Armstrong, Easter is on the phone, it wants its yellow back! Yeah, and you can expect to hear from, a brick road for damages, a classified phone directory for trademark infringement, New York taxis for loss of earnings, fever for defamation, a rose from Texas for misrepresentation and baby chicks for racial discrimination.

You can keep my seven hours Mr Lance Armstrong, you need them more than me. Please use them wisely, maybe to return some of the hope you’ve cheated from those cancer victims you’d led to believe that it was determination that can overcome adversity.

Burger off

Now, about this horse burger nonsense. The thing that interests me is that it was horse DNA found in some of the burgers, so that isn’t necessarily horse “meat” is it? It could be hooves, or tail, or, well, use your imagination. Anyway, it probably won’t kill you. However, it would seem that as a result of the horse burgers, Twitter and Facebook have caught an ebola related pun virus. Haemorrhaging out word play from every orifice, replicating through RTs and likes, desperately seeking the attention of new hosts. What will be the the next innocent news story to be struck down?

Things can’t get much worse than horses in burgers, can they? Maybe they already have, but we haven’t paid enough attention because there was no associated pun virus. For example, do you remember this?

Seems like a perfect pun prompter, but this story quickly disappeared because twitter wasn’t around and it became hidden under a lack of punning. I don’t know if that’s better or worse.

Also this week a British Airways employee won a case that allows them to wear a religious symbol to work. Finally Christians can bear a cross. Seems fair, nobody should be allowed to tell people what they can and can’t wear. Yet, Gok Wan says I can’t wear this season’s flared peplum top because I don’t have an hourglass figure. So much for human rights.