Month: May 2016

Some post-election thoughts

HIGHLIGHT

High and light are definitely words that could be used to describe Willie Rennie. High on life and light in the head. I don’t know if that was an election campaign or an ad for Centre Parcs. It’s like the head of Lib Dem PR just asked a five year old what they wanted to do for their birthday: “Eh, mini golf, no, soft play, go karts and quad biking. Puppies! Canoes! I LIKE PIGS!”

Even though he won his seat, I’d hate to see Willie today, going through some kind of massive come down. Willie’s overtired and he’s had too much ice cream, lying on the floor crying, “Why does Nicola have more friends than me?! No, I don’t want a nap!”

RUTH DAVIDSON

Lots of people warmed to Ruth because she decided that she was a laugh. She told Gary Tank Commander she liked dinosaurs, or as everyone else calls them, the House of Lords. Gary was also informed that she would give free green fruit pastilles to everyone. This sounds good, but is actually another Tory ploy to sabotage the NHS.

That buffalo was happy to have Ruth Davidson on its back until it heard the Tory cuts include flank, rump and sirloin.

KEZIA DUGDALE

Perhaps, “we’ll have your children for breakfast” was not the best message for Labour.

Kezia now regrets turning down the opportunity to go down a slide on the back of a buffalo while holding a baby. She may become a pool hustler.

TOMMY SHERIDAN

Yes, him. It was hinted he would quit politics if he didn’t get elected and his wife had said it would be time to get a proper job. A proper job for Tommy? Scotrail were looking for drivers, but nobody will share a platform with him.

The man has three degrees, I don’t know how many stars that equates to on the career pathway at McDonald’s, it’s probably team leader level at a call centre. Maybe he’ll become a charity worker, the charity being himself.

ROSS GREER

Ross Greer became the youngest ever MSP at 21 years old. Some people think someone so young in parliament might be a bit green…

Aged 21 and the Green party’s spokesperson for Europe and external affairs. When I was 21 the only thing I could say about Europe and external affairs was “What happens in Magaluf stays in Magaluf.”

The Green manifesto did say they would build children’s confidence. Anyway, it’s good to have more youth in Hollyrood, it will give Willie Rennie someone to play with.

IN SUMMARY

Ruth Davidson wants to hold the SNP to account.

Kezia Dugdale wants to hold on to her job.

Willie Rennie wants to hold an owl.

Scotland Election 2016

In this blog you will find a link to the manifestos of the main Scottish parties, as well as some flippant remarks. For the sake of neutrality this will be delivered in alphabetical order. In a tiny effort of rebellion, that alphabetical order will be backwards.

So you can, should you wish, find the UKIP manifesto right here The key message from UKIP is that they will “Shake up Hollyrood” I’m guessing this is through fracking. UKIP also want to “reduce average class sizes in the key Primary 1, 2 and 3 years” this might be partly achieved by their pledge to increase the drink driving limit.

The SNP’s manifesto is yellow You may be interested to know that one of their pledges is to “deliver 100 per cent superfast broadband coverage for Scotland by the end of the next Parliament.” This is because Nicola Sturgeon cannot be the true leader of the country until she has beaten every citizen at Candy Crush. The SNP are also going to “almost double the number of hours of free early years education and childcare” by issuing every parent with the Singing Kettle back catalogue.

Willie Rennie’s deepest thoughts are available here The Lib Dems are going to liberally and democratically “cut down the number of nuisance calls.” Tricky one but for a start all accidents that weren’t your fault will now be Willie Rennie’s fault. If we’ve learned one thing from the Lib Dem campaign, it’s that Willie Rennie’s hair could really benefit from a touch of product.

You can read the Labour manifesto here They are also wanting to help out with the weans and “will fund a breakfast club in every primary school in Scotland.” Yes, Labour will have your children for breakfast. Although, judging by the lateness of their manifesto launch, it might be more like brunch. Good work Kezia “Special K” Dugdale.

If you’re not bored of this yet, have a read of the Green Party manifesto This lot are proposing “a radically democratic written constitution, produced by the Scottish people in a citizen-led process.” Personally I’d rather not have my constitution discussed by the public. Although my mum always said you’d have a better constitution if you had more greens.

Last, but not Trump, the Conservative manifesto is readable and Ruth Davidson wants to promote the use of electric vehicles. This may or may not be something to do with free golf buggies for members of the House of Lords. She also wants to help out the weans by “making childcare more flexible and extending hours for younger children” possibly by “financial incentives for football clubs across Scotland’s top four divisions to play young Scottish players.”

Just vote.