Scotland Election 2016

In this blog you will find a link to the manifestos of the main Scottish parties, as well as some flippant remarks. For the sake of neutrality this will be delivered in alphabetical order. In a tiny effort of rebellion, that alphabetical order will be backwards.

So you can, should you wish, find the UKIP manifesto right here The key message from UKIP is that they will “Shake up Hollyrood” I’m guessing this is through fracking. UKIP also want to “reduce average class sizes in the key Primary 1, 2 and 3 years” this might be partly achieved by their pledge to increase the drink driving limit.

The SNP’s manifesto is yellow You may be interested to know that one of their pledges is to “deliver 100 per cent superfast broadband coverage for Scotland by the end of the next Parliament.” This is because Nicola Sturgeon cannot be the true leader of the country until she has beaten every citizen at Candy Crush. The SNP are also going to “almost double the number of hours of free early years education and childcare” by issuing every parent with the Singing Kettle back catalogue.

Willie Rennie’s deepest thoughts are available here The Lib Dems are going to liberally and democratically “cut down the number of nuisance calls.” Tricky one but for a start all accidents that weren’t your fault will now be Willie Rennie’s fault. If we’ve learned one thing from the Lib Dem campaign, it’s that Willie Rennie’s hair could really benefit from a touch of product.

You can read the Labour manifesto here They are also wanting to help out with the weans and “will fund a breakfast club in every primary school in Scotland.” Yes, Labour will have your children for breakfast. Although, judging by the lateness of their manifesto launch, it might be more like brunch. Good work Kezia “Special K” Dugdale.

If you’re not bored of this yet, have a read of the Green Party manifesto This lot are proposing “a radically democratic written constitution, produced by the Scottish people in a citizen-led process.” Personally I’d rather not have my constitution discussed by the public. Although my mum always said you’d have a better constitution if you had more greens.

Last, but not Trump, the Conservative manifesto is readable and Ruth Davidson wants to promote the use of electric vehicles. This may or may not be something to do with free golf buggies for members of the House of Lords. She also wants to help out the weans by “making childcare more flexible and extending hours for younger children” possibly by “financial incentives for football clubs across Scotland’s top four divisions to play young Scottish players.”

Just vote.

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