Some post-election thoughts

HIGHLIGHT

High and light are definitely words that could be used to describe Willie Rennie. High on life and light in the head. I don’t know if that was an election campaign or an ad for Centre Parcs. It’s like the head of Lib Dem PR just asked a five year old what they wanted to do for their birthday: “Eh, mini golf, no, soft play, go karts and quad biking. Puppies! Canoes! I LIKE PIGS!”

Even though he won his seat, I’d hate to see Willie today, going through some kind of massive come down. Willie’s overtired and he’s had too much ice cream, lying on the floor crying, “Why does Nicola have more friends than me?! No, I don’t want a nap!”

RUTH DAVIDSON

Lots of people warmed to Ruth because she decided that she was a laugh. She told Gary Tank Commander she liked dinosaurs, or as everyone else calls them, the House of Lords. Gary was also informed that she would give free green fruit pastilles to everyone. This sounds good, but is actually another Tory ploy to sabotage the NHS.

That buffalo was happy to have Ruth Davidson on its back until it heard the Tory cuts include flank, rump and sirloin.

KEZIA DUGDALE

Perhaps, “we’ll have your children for breakfast” was not the best message for Labour.

Kezia now regrets turning down the opportunity to go down a slide on the back of a buffalo while holding a baby. She may become a pool hustler.

TOMMY SHERIDAN

Yes, him. It was hinted he would quit politics if he didn’t get elected and his wife had said it would be time to get a proper job. A proper job for Tommy? Scotrail were looking for drivers, but nobody will share a platform with him.

The man has three degrees, I don’t know how many stars that equates to on the career pathway at McDonald’s, it’s probably team leader level at a call centre. Maybe he’ll become a charity worker, the charity being himself.

ROSS GREER

Ross Greer became the youngest ever MSP at 21 years old. Some people think someone so young in parliament might be a bit green…

Aged 21 and the Green party’s spokesperson for Europe and external affairs. When I was 21 the only thing I could say about Europe and external affairs was “What happens in Magaluf stays in Magaluf.”

The Green manifesto did say they would build children’s confidence. Anyway, it’s good to have more youth in Hollyrood, it will give Willie Rennie someone to play with.

IN SUMMARY

Ruth Davidson wants to hold the SNP to account.

Kezia Dugdale wants to hold on to her job.

Willie Rennie wants to hold an owl.

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